The Great Cyborg Smoke Out
by Red Witch
Summary: Lana convinces Ray to give up smoking cigarettes for two weeks. Which proves to be a challenge until Krieger comes up with a solution.


**Ray did something to the disclaimer telling all of you that I don't own any Archer characters. Just a little fun I thought of. How Ray would deal with his addictions. Just saying Lana should know better by now.**

 **The Great Cyborg Smoke Out**

"How did you convince Ray to **stop smoking**?" Pam asked Lana as they sat in the break room.

"It was more AJ than me," Lana shrugged.

"You sic'd her on him, didn't you?" Pam snorting. "Making her give him those big puppy dog eyes."

"That and telling him if he kept smoking he'd end up **sounding** like a robot," Lana shrugged. "It worked."

"And he actually agreed to not smoke a single cigarette for **two whole weeks**?" Pam gasped. "Wow."

"He did," Lana said. "We actually did a sweep of his apartment and everything. It was like I was the warden at a gay men's prison after lockdown. And he had more hiding places."

"Sexy," Pam grinned.

"Try to be supportive, okay?" Lana said.

"When am I **not**?" Pam asked. "Where is he anyway? I haven't seen him all day. You don't think he's bumming a smoke, do you?"

"No, I'm sure he isn't," Lana said. "I made him promise on his mother's grave. And for Ray that's like Swearsies-Realsies."

"That **is** serious," Cheryl remarked as she walked in with Krieger. "So, let me get this straight. Because you couldn't get Archer to change his bad habits, now you're moving on with _Ray?_ "

"Interesting strategy," Krieger remarked.

"I've already dealt with one lunatic on a cancer driven rampage," Lana said. "I don't want to end up with another. And I would think all of you would want Ray to be healthier."

"The man is a cyborg," Cheryl said. "Doesn't he have like metal lungs by now?"

"No, he doesn't," Krieger shook his head. "I did put in some nanotechnological fibers however to increase his lung capacity so when he runs at super speed he doesn't go out of breath as fast. And you know, collapse from the pressure."

"Nano-what?" Pam did a double take.

"The human body by itself can't handle speeds bionic legs can output," Krieger explained. "I used some stray nanites I had and added some extra small bionic fibers in his lungs to increase their strength and capacity. I mean he still can get lung cancer. Technically…Then again I could always rebuild his lungs using the same techno fibers I used for Katya…"

"God damn, Krieger…" Pam whistled.

"Well it will still be good for Ray if he gives up smoking," Lana said. "And for all of us."

"Sure," Cheryl said sarcastically. "Having a cyborg with super speed go through nicotine withdrawal for two weeks. That will be **really healthy** for us **."**

"Especially when he's bouncing off the walls like a bionic ping pong," Krieger added.

"Oh, good you're all here," Cyril walked in. "Well most of you. Has anyone seen Ray?"

"He's bouncing off the walls somewhere," Pam said. "Possibly literally."

"Note to self," Krieger said as he took out a message recorder. "Reinforce walls. So they will be strong enough for a cyborg to bounce off of."

"Lana made Ray give up cigarettes for two weeks," Cheryl explained.

" _Seriously?"_ Cyril looked at Lana. "So now that Archer's in a coma and you can't change him, you decided to try and change **Ray?** "

"That's what I said!" Cheryl spoke up.

"This isn't about changing Ray into what I want," Lana said.

"Yeah it kind of is," Cheryl said.

"I just want Ray to be healthy and happy," Lana said.

"He has to be **both?** " Pam quipped.

"Not to mention it will be good for all of us too," Lana added. "Second hand smoke kills."

"I'm assuming so does the insane amount of alcohol we've drunk over the years," Cyril said. "As well as the toxic cocktails of all those chemicals Krieger has given us."

"I only give drugs without your consent…" Krieger paused. "Two out of ten times!"

"That is pretty low actually," Cheryl admitted.

"So is your IQ," Lana snapped. "Doesn't mean I want it!"

"I'm baa-ck!" Ray sauntered in. He was wearing a pink and white jogging jacket, a pink headband, pink and white sneakers, a white glove and pink short shorts.

"It's the Gay Roadrunner," Pam quipped. "No wait, Speedy Gay-zoles!"

"Hey! I said I would give up tobacco," Ray pointed out. "Not being stylish."

"Where have you been?" Lana asked him.

"Remember that pamphlet you gave me?" Ray asked as he went to the refrigerator and got himself some water.

"Suggestions on how to quit smoking," Lana nodded.

"You know that one suggestion is when you get the urge for a smoke, you go for a run?" Ray asked.

"Yes," Lana said. "How far did you go?"

"Here," Ray took out something from his pocket. "A souvenir for you and AJ."

"Is that a miniature replica of the Space Needle in **Seattle?"** Lana looked at it.

"It was in the gift shop," Ray said. "I mailed myself a couple of T-Shirts and a larger model."

"Nothing for the rest of us?" Pam asked.

"Do I look like the Federal Express Delivery Man to you?" Ray snapped.

"You look like the Federal Ass Delivery Man," Pam quipped. "For when it absolutely positively has to be there."

"You do have a nice package," Cheryl quipped. "Zing!"

"Behave yourselves bitches," Ray warned. "Or I won't share with you that order of maple bacon donuts I ordered from that donut shop up there."

"Oooh! Goody!" Pam clapped her hands.

"You're substituting your nicotine habit with a **sugar habit?"** Lana asked.

"You say that like it's a bad thing," Pam told her. "It got me off cocaine."

"She's right," Cheryl nodded.

"I'm running ain't I?" Ray snapped. "I gotta keep my energy up! Damn it. Now I want to smoke again. I'll be back."

"Where are you going **this time**?" Cyril asked.

"There's a craft fair in San Diego I want to check out," Ray remarked. "Plus, I always wanted to see Point Loma." He took off.

"If you see an ashtray bring me one back!" Cheryl called out. They all looked at her. "What?"

"If I was Ray," Cyril sighed. "I'd just keep running and never come back."

"Me too," Lana admitted.

Sometime later…

"Let me get this straight," Mallory looked at Lana and Pam while they were sitting in the bullpen. "Pun not intended for once. Somehow you and my granddaughter convinced Gillette to give up cigarettes? And every time she gets the urge to smoke she runs around the West Coast like Speedy Gay-zoles?"

"We already did that joke," Pam said.

"Did you do some kind of roadrunner joke?" Mallory asked.

"That and a federal express one," Pam nodded.

Mallory paused. "How about Bionic Moron?"

"Nope, that one we missed," Pam said.

"Okay fine," Mallory shrugged. "So, the Bionic Moron has been running up and down the West Coast for the past five days?"

"Pretty much," Lana sighed. "Apparently he's been crossing off places to visit on his bucket list."

"We've kept track," Pam went over to the wall to a map with several pins in it. "So far Ray has been to Seattle, San Diego, Blue Vista Springs, Purple Vista Springs, Yellow Vista Springs, San Jose, San Francisco, Santa Barbara, Santa Maria, Santa Ana, Santa Monica, Long Beach, Walnut Beach, Walnut Creek, Pismo Beach, Roseville, Eureka Oregon and Yosemite Park."

"My God," Mallory blinked. "I knew Gillette gets around but I didn't think she'd get around **that much**!"

"He's also getting a little exhausted," Lana sighed.

"And snippy," Pam said. "It's kind of a relief when he goes on a run."

"Well I'm **back** ," Ray said as he sauntered in wearing his pink jogging outfit. " **Again!** Whoever wrote that damn pamphlet must have been high! Because this running isn't doing shit for me!"

"Well you look good!" Lana said.

"I've lost five pounds," Ray looked at her. "I'd better look **more** than good!"

"Well you've also been seeing new places," Pam suggested. "I bet you're ticking off that bucket list."

"At this rate I won't have anyplace left to look **forward to**!" Ray grumbled. "Hang on I need a drink!" He zipped off and returned with a beer.

"A **beer?** " Lana groaned.

"I need to stay hydrated," Ray quipped as he sat down.

"So where did you go?" Pam asked. "Anywhere new?"

"Did you go **into** anyone new?" Mallory quipped.

"And when was the last time you got anyone new into **you?** " Ray looked at Mallory.

"I withdraw the question," Mallory coughed.

"Thought so," Ray glared at her. He took a sip of beer. "I went back to Long Beach. Looked at the Walter Pyramid."

"Disappointed that wasn't what you **thought** it was?" Mallory smirked.

"And I saw the Queen Mary museum," Ray added. "And if you make one more smart remark Ms. Thing I will rip your God Damn **head off**!"

He slammed his bionic fist onto the table and broke it. "Touchy, touchy…" Mallory said.

"Ray!" Lana gasped.

"Sorry, sorry…" Ray apologized. "I've just been on edge since I started this thing."

"Why don't you try nicotine patches?" Pam suggested. "I hear they help."

"I **have** tried!" Ray took off his jacket to reveal several patches on his arms. "They don't!"

"Great Ghost of the Marlboro Man," Pam whistled. "I haven't seen that many patches since Brett went to that darts tournament."

"They aren't working," Ray groaned. "I think they're defective."

"Let me see," Lana looked at them. "Huh. They look pretty full to me."

"Yeah," Pam noticed as she pulled one off. "In fact, they look like they're taking nicotine **out** of your body instead of feeding it into it!"

"He's a bionic nicotine recharger," Mallory blinked.

"God damn it all to hell!" Ray grumbled as he pulled them off.

"Have you tried other methods to help you quit?" Lana asked. "What about eating carrots instead of smoking?"

"I'm up to three bunches of carrots a day!" Ray snapped. "If I eat any more I'm going to look like Bugs Bunny!"

"Have you tried meditation?" Lana asked.

"Every time I try that I either think of smoking or sex," Ray admitted. "Which leads me right back to smoking."

"What about nicotine gum?" Pam asked.

"I ended up swallowing a whole pack," Ray groaned. "My bowels are gonna be blocked for at least a week. Which ironically helps me when I run. But still…"

"What about hypnosis?" Lana asked.

"Are you **insane?** " Pam snapped. "After what happened the **last time** Krieger did that?"

"What happened?" Lana asked.

"Don't ask," Ray and Pam groaned.

"Well go to someone besides Krieger then," Lana said. " **Anyone** besides Krieger."

"No freaking way," Ray protested. "Uh uh. That's how they find out your secrets and either blackmail you or steal your bank account!"

"I'm with Virginia Slims over here," Mallory admitted. "Most of those hypnotists are either quacks or crooks. I know because I once had one working for me once."

"You mean Krieger?" Pam asked.

"No, not Krieger," Mallory waved. "This was when I was just starting out with my spy business. Before your time. Let me rephrase that. Before you lot came along to make **my time** a living Hell! I had a hypnotist working for me."

"Really?" Lana asked.

"Dr. Fligenstein," Mallory said. "Should have been called Dr. Flight Risk. By the time I figured out he was secretly embezzling from my company he'd hypnotized my best men into thinking they were chickens. And my secretary into giving up the password to the vault."

"Seriously?" Pam asked.

"For weeks every time I said the words 'Shut up' it was like I was working for Frank Perdue," Mallory groaned. "And it took me that long to figure out those were the **trigger words**!"

"Gotta admit," Lana mused. "That was pretty smart of him."

Mallory added. "It took even longer to get a hypnotist to undo most of the damage!"

"Most of the damage?" Ray asked.

"My secretary was never able to recover," Mallory sighed. "She didn't think she was a chicken. She thought she was a magical talking unicorn."

"What happened to her?" Pam asked. "Besides a few thousand volts at the Funny Farm?"

"She escaped before I sent her there," Mallory sighed. "But it all worked out for her. Apparently, she ended up as a network executive for ABC so…"

"That does explain some of their programming in past years," Ray blinked. "So, did you ever track that doctor down?"

"I did," Mallory said. "To Costa Rica."

"And you got him there?" Pam asked.

"Nope," Mallory shook her head. "I was too late."

"He got away?" Lana asked.

"No, he didn't," Mallory said. "I was too late because his ex-wife got to him first. Boy that was a messy crime scene. But she turned out to be a good contact. Until she had that stroke. With her tennis instructor. In his bedroom. Right after his wife who turned out to be her half sister walked in. **That** was an awkward funeral."

"I can not write **fiction** this good," Ray groaned. "Which makes me want to smoke even more!"

"How about a support group?" Lana asked. "Have you tried going to one of those?"

"I walked in but when I saw there were no cute gay guys I walked straight out," Ray groaned. "If I want to hang around insulting old ladies I'd just as well move in with Ms. Archer!"

Mallory glared at Ray. "I wish I had a cigarette right now! Maybe I do have one in my purse?"

"You have one in your **purse?** " Ray's eyes lit up. "Go on! Smoke it! Go on!"

"Uh…" Mallory looked a little worried.

"Smoke the damn cigarette!" Ray snarled. "I wanna **smell it!** "

"I don't even think I have a cigarette in here," Mallory tried to get away.

"SMOKE THAT DAMN CIGARETTE BITCH!" Ray shouted as he leapt over. The next thing Mallory knew, she was being lifted off the ground by Ray with one hand on her chair.

"AAAAAHHH!" Mallory yelled.

"RAY NO!" Lana shouted as she and Pam tried to stop Ray.

"DON'T HOLD OUT ON ME NOW!" Ray yelled as he lifted the chair with Mallory over his head.

"Is this one of those Hava Nagila parties?" Krieger asked as he, Cheryl and Cyril walked into the room.

"GUYS HELP US HERE!" Pam said as she and Lana were trying to restrain Ray.

"OH MY GOD!" Mallory screamed. "STERLING WAS RIGHT! IT IS A ROBOT REVOLUTION!"

"NO! He's just going through nicotine withdrawal!" Lana snapped. "Ray! Drop her! Drop her!"

"NO! DON'T DROP ME!" Mallory screamed.

"RAY! RAY!" The gang tried to stop Ray. "Come on Ray! Snap out of it!"

Well most of them. Cheryl was jumping up and down squealing. "Go on Ray! Smash her brains out! EEEE!"

"Ray! Snap out of it!" Pam slapped Ray's face.

The maniacal look went out of Ray's eyes. "Huh?"

"Do you mind putting her down please?" Lana pointed to Mallory.

"Dukes…" Ray winced as he let Mallory down.

"Get away from me, you cybernetic psychopath!" Mallory ran to Lana.

"Awwww," Cheryl pouted. "I wanted her brains to be smashed."

"You are **not** helping!" Lana snapped at Cheryl.

"Nice going, Lana!" Mallory snapped. "You just **had** to try and get Gillette to stop smoking, didn't you? Didn't you learn **anything** from trying to change my son?"

"You are not the first person to notice that," Cheryl told her.

"Geezy Pete!" Cyril whistled. "Ray lifted up Mallory with one hand!"

"Here's the scary part," Pam gulped. "It wasn't the **bionic one!"**

"Sorry…" Ray blinked. "I went away for a while. I'm back now."

"And we are leaving **now**!" Lana said as she ushered Mallory away. "Come on! Let's go back to see Archer, shall we?"

"Somebody better get Gillette a cigarette before he **kills us all!"** Mallory told Lana in a panicked voice as they left.

"No! He'll only just kill **you!** " Cheryl called out.

"Jesus Ray," Pam whistled as they brought Ray to sit down at another table. "You really are going bananas. I mean it was funny as hell when you picked up Ms. Archer but still…"

"Guys I don't think I can do this," Ray groaned as he put his head down on the table. "I'm losing it."

"Calm down Charlie Brown," Pam said. "Krieger says he has a solution to your problem."

" **Krieger** has a solution?" Ray groaned as he lifted up his head. "I'm **doomed!"**

"Don't be such a Negative Nelly," Krieger waved. "You promised Lana that you wouldn't smoke tobacco for two weeks. Right?"

"Yeah, so?" Ray asked.

"I think I may have found you a loophole," Krieger grinned.

Twenty minutes later…

Ray blew out some smoke after he took a puff from a blunt. "Krieger man, this is a **great** loophole!"

Krieger took the blunt. "I know right?"

Cyril was shown next. "From a legal perspective Lana can't touch you on this."

Then Pam was next. "Can't touch this! HA!"

Cheryl was shown laughing hysterically. "My toes feel like fingers…" She looked at her fingers. "And my fingers are…Wow! Have they always been this long?"

Ray was back again. "For the first time in days I feel like relaxing. Did you know I ended up running two marathons I had no idea existed? Probably would have won them if I didn't stop to get a beer both times."

Krieger was shown again. "It's not about winning or losing a marathon. It's about the experience."

Cyril snorted as he smoked the blunt. "Well I'm experiencing one of the **best days** I've had in weeks. Seriously…This whole detective agency thing hasn't exactly been going the way I thought it would."

Pam looked at Cyril. "No! _Really?"_

Cheryl was giggling hysterically. "I have such pretty fingers! So wiggly…Ooooh!"

Ray was happy. "You know? I think I've finally found my perfect support group."

"Then it's official!" Krieger said. "From now on we are a quitting smoking support group."

Cyril looked at Krieger. "Since when do **you** smoke?"

Pam looked at Cyril. "Since when are **you** the support police? I say if it's good for Ray, we should support him! Right Neck Bird?"

Cheryl was looking at her fingers moving. "It's like they can fly in the sky! So graceful! Damn! Even my fingers are awesome!"

"I think I can do this now," Ray said. "I really think I can do this now. Hell, as long as I'm smoking these babies I think I can do pretty much anything."

Krieger nodded. "Just don't try to fly while jumping off the roof. That never ends well."

"It didn't for some of your interns," Cyril said.

"And that one health inspector," Pam said. "No, wait he was eaten by a giant lizard."

"I feel one with the universe…" Cheryl purred. "Or is the universe just not that into me?"

"Is it just me?" Ray asked. "Or is Lana trying to change me? Is it just me?"

"Not just **you** ," Krieger shrugged.

"She tried to do the same thing with me," Cyril admitted. "Tried to get me to give up watching porn alone. Trust me, as soon as we broke up I got **that** monkey on my back again pretty fast!"

"More like spanking…" Pam snickered.

"I am the chair," Cheryl was in a trance. "I am the chair…"

WHAM!

"I'm **out** of the chair!" Cheryl laughed after she fell to the floor.

"You are out of your damn little mind," Ray snorted.

"Reality is overrated," Krieger waved. "I try not to pay attention to it as much as possible."

"You know what Lana also tried to get me to give up?" Cyril remembered. "Candy bars. Oh, I **love** candy bars…"

"What kind?" Pam asked. "And do you have any? Answer that last question first."

"I'm on the floor!" Cheryl laughed as she lay there. "Hello floor! Make me a sandwich!"

"Oh my God," Pam realized. "She really is like Gir."

"WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?" Lana shouted as she walked in. "Are you smoking a **joint**?"

Cyril realized he was holding the joint. "Apparently yes," Cyril said. "Don't worry! We have a good reason for this! What was the reason again?"

"You said no cigarettes," Ray pointed out. "This is so **not** a cigarette!"

"It's not," Krieger nodded.

"It's so much healthier than tobacco," Pam nodded.

"Ha!" Cheryl laughed from where she lay on the floor. "Come on floor! Do something already! Don't just lie there!"

"See? We had **a reason!"** Cyril said. "I forgot what it was again but we did have a reason!"

"I should have known," Lana groaned. "I should have **known** that **this** would happen!"

"You really should have," Pam nodded.

"I mean you've been around us for _how many years_?" Ray asked.

"You really should have seen this coming," Cyril agreed.

"And you should be **going,** " Cheryl giggled as she sat up. "Speaking of going, where's Ms. Buzzkill?"

"She decided to stop off at a bar on the way to the hospital," Lana grumbled. "And then just decided to stay at the bar. I decided she could get a cab."

"We decided to get wasted," Pam grinned. "This is a good day."

"You know it says something when Archer is the only sober one left of you idiots," Lana said.

"He's in a coma," Krieger said. "Oh, wait I see your point."

"Yeah that is the only way that man would ever stop drinking," Ray agreed.

"And whoring," Cyril added. "Anybody got any candy bars? I could go for a candy bar. And some porn."

"I am **out** of here," Lana left the room.

"Guess another one of your plans went up in smoke huh?" Ray called out. Lana shrieked in anger. "Too soon?"


End file.
